A heart has its reasons for secretly liking someone. I understood this first-hand from my experience with someone I was so love-smitten by at first sight, even before the day I first met her at that gourmet restaurant hidden away from the main thoroughfare of the city.
However, it wasn't simply a one-sided secret love unbeknownst to the object of my affection; it was a lovely, warm, reciprocal feeling of love between a sweetly blossoming sweetheart and me — the knight in the software engineering armour. L.T. was (is) her beautiful, nostalgic name, a poignant reminder of that nostalgically evocative time alluding to mysterious philosophies that once upon a time melted my heart to the deepest core.
(Our love story encapsulated the profound essence of young romance, a cherished memory I hold close to my heart. Even now, as time passes in the vastness of the cosmos, I find myself deeply imbued with a heartfelt longing for those ephemeral moments spent with you when every fleeting moment felt like a timeless treasure that transcended time itself, where every heartbeat echoed the beauty of young love: the love of you and me together.)
The sweet beginning of us: L. and I had our first meeting at Alex's Kitchen, a quaint luncheonette with a mood of dimly lit spaces, charming every love-smitten beau into the wellspring of love in '98. Softly glowing bulbs hung over each table in the lounge-like enlarged enclosure, creating a comforting sense of privacy that made us feel like two lovebirds we had so fondly dreamed of being ever since we first spoke on the phone. A romantic lunch was on the cards, concentrating more on our conversation than the food neatly arranged on our plates, eating very little and talking more. There was a lot we conversed about: Perfect night owl lovers' love-talks about music and movies such as Titanic or the latest movies, personal lives, daily experiences, flowers, rain, and clear blue sky while we swapped mysteriously yet beautifully unsigned Titanic-themed cards and music cassettes with a hushed backdrop of desi Chinese connoisseurs regaling around the hall.
While the meal was truly and delightfully delicious to chat about and enjoy having to the very last crumb—from the Fried Rice to Spring Rolls dipped in scrumptious sauces and one other dish, most probably American Chopsuey we ordered: every bite was romantically delightful, the taste hardly registering as I talked, ogled, being tickling cute with my gracefully elegant Honeybun (who has been the centre of my world)—it was secondary (but grand in a way) to our growing closeness between us as an intimate couple, who had fallen harder in love with each other, significantly more profound than anyone might have thought from our outward appearance, not even perhaps her girl pal who joined us for a tête-à-tête. We were a tiny bit shy, but the conversation flowed well. Time flew by.
“Ab to mere huzoor
Paas raho chahe dur
Pyar nibhayenge hum
Tumse wada raha”*
From that unforgettably romantic day onwards, or even before our first meeting at that quaint little place, a strange and lonely feeling took hold of me that I had no prediction of: it suggested that something more deep was taking root between L. and me that I found intensely lovely to believe and bring it into my heart, much similar to what I had read in English classics books in college or gawped in mushy movies or conferred with close pals, perhaps it was a soul connection that felt compelling, exciting, and inevitable so that we could make our love blossom from the first day we uttered a word or two to each other on the phone.
Love grew between us that had been there all along (even to this day, I'd like to believe), blossoming as we spent precious little time together, however short and fleeting, intensifying as we shared moments of togetherness that distant afternoon at the comfy luncheonette — conversations that seemed to go on forever or lingered love-like vibe in the air long after we unwillingly put down the phone; sweet stolen glances that seemed to contain unspoken promises and singular chemistry that sparkled like twosome radiant luminosities when we were near each other holding hands and making promises that we might be able to keep whatever tomorrow may bring; but alas, and the most hurting aspect of our relationship is that we could only ever meet once ever, though sadly not as often as we may have heartbreakingly wished.
It still kills me to this day the thought of how my life may have turned out with the precious love I had in the innermost chamber of my heart but had to let go of, inseparable from the moment I had met her. My awful, indifferent fate and how unappeasable my pitiful destiny had been mortifying me to this very day. Years have flown by unconscionably. Loneliness haunts me, the past never having been reconciled. Things have changed since then. And yet, they haven't since the beginning. For us, they have remained unchanged today, tomorrow, and forevermore.
The love of my heart
Fate and Destiny embraced each other, realizing the relationship we'd begun to have as we carried on the purity of being in love. A profound sense of happiness was exhilarating in my heart, while a strong urge to be close to her and shower all my love on her became paramount to the very necessity of my existence. I fell for her — hook, line, and sinker. L. was very pretty and intelligent. And I'd begun to feel more at ease with the real world, even though unsettling and indelible at times, external to my understanding of love and other dreams, while firmly believing I'd found my way ahead in the fragrant aroma of her company: a sweet surrender. My future seemed set.
In addition to being a delightful experience to meet her, her warm nature shone through much as I had imagined it would. I knew I had met someone special when I plucked up the courage to hold her hand as I managed to blurb out a few words of my worshipping adoration for the beautiful sweet pea right here in front of me inches away, even as I realized that I'd started adoring everything about her sparkling eyes, flawless smile that lights up the room, an eyeful stunner so close to my heart, elegant dressing sense that gleamed gorgeousness requiring a little amount of forethought before stepping out for a planned date, and the way she talked seemed to tell me I've known her from before — though maybe not in that particular order — that I'd find in her lavender-lilac presence that shone just as I believed before fulfilling my eagerness to meet her at that unforgettable restaurant of the romantic ninety-nineties era, which was her choice for a meet-up rendezvous, the world outside would hang up for our love to follow through under the shade of love, grace, and hopes of togetherness. Her serene charcoal-drawn eyes were the focal point of my deep, deep admiration as the warm intimacy of togetherness embraced us in a way that words could barely capture. Eyes that I gazed upon enlightened my romantic dreams that go back centuries! Eyes that I fell into and kept falling. She is L., my L.
If fate hadn't gotten involved, I will admit that I would have been happier with life in the larger sense of the word by eventually proposing to marry her. That, after all, was me in an earlier life. I continue to miss L. of that lost time.
(That quaint feeling: Oh! L…, what better way to reminisce about our memories together than through writing about our brief embrace of those first moments of love? Wouldn't a personal memoir be a wonderful ode to remember us throughout the long journey of life into a realm filled with hope and happiness? Beyond the lovely memories of your love so sweet that my solitary heart holds dear, "The Sublime Persuasion of Love"—a memoir lovingly dedicated to you—still resonates within me. The words, imbued with the comforting rhythm of shared heartbeats, awaken a deep emotional, nostalgic longing that nestles intimately within my soul, reaffirming the ethereal depths of my memories and feelings of our love lost in those woods of time back in 1998, even if we are so far apart.
And I'd like to believe these unspoken words speak to you as they endeavour to show you the beauty of joy again and perhaps a little gloomy inevitability that sometimes seems to emerge without any apparent reason in the real world of heartbreak and love redeeming.)
Sometimes, I think this is not my world, my reality; the world no longer feels relatable or liveable. My existence revolved around that precise moment in late 1998 when I landed a job with Satyam and, more importantly, when I first heard your precious voice and couldn't wait to meet you at the A. K’s.
Before that first day turned into evening, I listened to your lyrical euphonious voice wave after wave echoing through my home phone like a melody of love that I held close to my heart and dreamt only of you ever since that day. How fortunate I am! The day I got home after landing my first job, I received your call for the first time. My heart raced as I focused on hearing your voice on the phone complimenting me on my new job when I shared the news. In that instant, it felt as though your exquisite words felt like a loving hug, enfolding me in an embrace, heaving my heart with love-smitten joy, a feeling unlike anything I had experienced.
From that moment on, it was all you, before and after and ever since, forever and eternally. It's amazing how quickly time passes, spiralling forward without pause; it flies. And yet, yes, time moves on, numbed to the nostalgic weight of the cherished memories I have of you and will always have of you. Tumse wada raha.
(To be continued…)
By Arindam Moulick
*The song “Ab to Mere Huzoor (Natasha I Love You)” is a romantic Kishore-Late duet from the Hindi movie "Pyar Mein Sauda Nahin."
Alternative titles considered for this blog were “The Dream of You and Me Together,” “A Memory Called Love,” “Love, Briefly,” and “A Dance of Hearts: A Romantic Reflection.”
“Jab mile hum gale
Sara jahan badle
Hum na badlenge sanam
Tumse wada raha”*
Sometimes, I think this is not my world, my reality; the world no longer feels relatable or liveable. My existence revolved around that precise moment in late 1998 when I landed a job with Satyam and, more importantly, when I first heard your precious voice and couldn't wait to meet you at the A. K’s.
Before that first day turned into evening, I listened to your lyrical euphonious voice wave after wave echoing through my home phone like a melody of love that I held close to my heart and dreamt only of you ever since that day. How fortunate I am! The day I got home after landing my first job, I received your call for the first time. My heart raced as I focused on hearing your voice on the phone complimenting me on my new job when I shared the news. In that instant, it felt as though your exquisite words felt like a loving hug, enfolding me in an embrace, heaving my heart with love-smitten joy, a feeling unlike anything I had experienced.
From that moment on, it was all you, before and after and ever since, forever and eternally. It's amazing how quickly time passes, spiralling forward without pause; it flies. And yet, yes, time moves on, numbed to the nostalgic weight of the cherished memories I have of you and will always have of you. Tumse wada raha.
(To be continued…)
By Arindam Moulick
*The song “Ab to Mere Huzoor (Natasha I Love You)” is a romantic Kishore-Late duet from the Hindi movie "Pyar Mein Sauda Nahin."
Alternative titles considered for this blog were “The Dream of You and Me Together,” “A Memory Called Love,” “Love, Briefly,” and “A Dance of Hearts: A Romantic Reflection.”